Who listens to our birth stories?

Who else’s friends have been desperate to hear the ins and outs of their baby’s birth? 

Often we begin forming our birth stories by giving our nearest and dearest a chronological account of what happened, when. If there are gaps in our memory, our partner, support person or birth doula can help us piece together a more cohesive timeline. An abridged version of this is what becomes our “static” birth story, the one we tell on repeat to friends, colleagues, nurses, parents’ groups and strangers at the park.

Many people may hear our birth stories, but are they really listening in a way that helps, especially if the story is a difficult one?

Some self-help books advise readers to tell their traumatic birth story over and over again, to anyone who will listen, until it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. This makes no sense! We wouldn’t ask someone who had been physically assaulted on the street or returned from a war zone to repeatedly relive their experience in order to get better. Why would we expect this to help after a traumatic birth? 

Other birth trauma resources suggest parents arrange a meeting with a midwife or doctor who was present at the birth. These sessions can give context regarding clinical decisions made and shed light on policies and procedures, which may have influenced the course of their birth. This can be useful for some people, especially if they are considering making a formal complaint. Unfortunately, these meetings can also feel like a litigation-avoidance lecture, where parents are talked at about what staff did right, rather than listened to about their concerns. 

Unless we seek specially trained support, it’s unlikely anyone we speak to will have the skills to really listen to our birth stories in a way that facilitates healing. A perinatal psychologist can help, especially for people experiencing significant distress or mental health conditions for which birth trauma is a risk factor, for example PTSD, postnatal depression and anxiety. Not everyone needs the support of a mental health professional though. This is where a Birth Story Listening session can be invaluable. 

After hearing a brief overview of the birth, Birth Story Listeners like me help their clients (referred to as Storytellers) to intuitively select a moment from the birth that is calling for their attention. This moment is then gently explored in more detail, with the Birth Story Listener helping the Storyteller to join the dots between what happened during their birth and how it is impacting their experience of parenthood now.

Finding it hard to tell those closest to you what you need, even when you’re certain they’d be happy to help? Maybe you tried to speak up during pregnancy or birth, and had your deepest desires minimised, ridiculed or overruled.

Wracked with guilt every time you try to take time away from the baby, even though you’re touched out to the max? You could be carrying guilt from being unable to get to them while they were in NICU, or pick up your crying baby from the crib on the postnatal ward.

The Birth Story Listening process works for partners and support people too. 

Can’t figure out why your usually chill partner is screaming at their toddler who did a runner in the supermarket carpark, or is scared to look after their baby solo despite being capable? Maybe they felt scared, powerless or unable to keep their child safe during a touch-and-go delivery.

Once a complete picture of these overlapping issues comes into view, the Birth Story Listener begins to deliver the “story medicine” needed to begin resolving both simultaneously. Amazingly, once a storyteller makes peace with one moment, the remaining knotted feelings the Storyteller has about the birth often begin to unravel by themselves, such that most people will have only one session.

Some people will say a healing birth is the silver bullet to recovering emotionally after birth trauma. But how can we make informed decisions from a healed (rather than fearful) place about a subsequent birth without addressing the initial hurt? And what does this mean for our ability to heal if we’re not planning on having more babies?

Every birth is sacred, and whether it was seven weeks or seven years ago, every birth needs to be healed on its own merits. One-off Birth Story Listening sessions offer a great head start on our post-birth healing journeys. 

This article was originally penned for the 2025 edition of the Newcastle Baby Magazine. If you'd like to read the contributions of other fantastic local professionals, you can access the e-version of the magazine here. If you'd like some copies to hand out at your workplace, please let me know and I can drop some around!